Sincerely,
Halfway Content Guy
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Sunday, December 6, 2009
Dear Abby
I am a single gay male who has no idea what he wants. What do you recommend?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Gaining Perspective
The title of this blog came from a fortune cookie I opened one night. I thought it was the most simplistic way to justify being happy. At the time, the words rang so true. There didn't seem to be any reason to be unhappy, let alone in despair. But I'm sure anyone would agree that its easy to have that perspective when everything seems to be aligned.
That's my weakness. I like consistency. Because of this, the moment one thing in my life begins to go awry, I lose control of my life as a whole. And that's the best way I can describe the last two months. James gone awry. I wanted everyday to get back in control of the steering wheel and slow down, meditate. I learned that is so much easier to say than actually accomplish. And day after day, I was riding this rollercoaster of emotions that left me happy,tired,exhausted, and broken. It could be left unsaid that is not an ideal way to live, but it had become my life.
It scared me when I started to think this was how my life was supposed to be.
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That's my weakness. I like consistency. Because of this, the moment one thing in my life begins to go awry, I lose control of my life as a whole. And that's the best way I can describe the last two months. James gone awry. I wanted everyday to get back in control of the steering wheel and slow down, meditate. I learned that is so much easier to say than actually accomplish. And day after day, I was riding this rollercoaster of emotions that left me happy,tired,exhausted, and broken. It could be left unsaid that is not an ideal way to live, but it had become my life.
It scared me when I started to think this was how my life was supposed to be.
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Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sometimes I wonder what it is that's keeping me alive. What's that one factor that makes ending it all seem so unrealistic.
For you I'd wait til kingdom come.
I'm hopeless. Waiting for the F train at 1 in the morning. Tired. Alone. Hopeless. Broken. I wonder how much better I'd feel if I had a drink. Not that I'd feel better really, but rather that I'd feel nothing. I'd feel none of this. Lately I've come to prefer that.
If people only knew how close I am to letting go, I think they'd be more alarmed. Its my smile. My defense mechanism. It disguises it. Makes everyone think I'm ok.
I'm not ok. Losing faith.
I have become too manic for my own good. Once I leave work, it becomes near impossible to control.
Losing strength.
I want to cry out. Trust me. It would make all of this so much easier. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I can't handle rejection, and I feel like people wouldn't react the way I need them to.
I'd like to call you and tell you how much I need you. And I'd like to tell you how this void you left me with is eating away at me and I can't even think clearly a lot of the time. I'm becoming anti social and my self worth is very low. I'd like to tell you that I don't want to date you, I just want to talk to you. I'd like for you to hear me out. I'd like to tell you how alone I feel. I'd like to tell you about how I have an ounce of hope left, and its dwindling.
I'd like to tell the world I'm dead inside.
I'm numb. And I've stopped caring.
I'd like to explain to you that somehow you make me feel ok and like complete shit all at the same time. And I'd tell you that ill take that any day, because its the only thing that makes me feel alive.
The train still hasn't arrived. I hate crying in public. It shows my vulnerability. And my sadness.
Where is my strength?
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For you I'd wait til kingdom come.
I'm hopeless. Waiting for the F train at 1 in the morning. Tired. Alone. Hopeless. Broken. I wonder how much better I'd feel if I had a drink. Not that I'd feel better really, but rather that I'd feel nothing. I'd feel none of this. Lately I've come to prefer that.
If people only knew how close I am to letting go, I think they'd be more alarmed. Its my smile. My defense mechanism. It disguises it. Makes everyone think I'm ok.
I'm not ok. Losing faith.
I have become too manic for my own good. Once I leave work, it becomes near impossible to control.
Losing strength.
I want to cry out. Trust me. It would make all of this so much easier. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I can't handle rejection, and I feel like people wouldn't react the way I need them to.
I'd like to call you and tell you how much I need you. And I'd like to tell you how this void you left me with is eating away at me and I can't even think clearly a lot of the time. I'm becoming anti social and my self worth is very low. I'd like to tell you that I don't want to date you, I just want to talk to you. I'd like for you to hear me out. I'd like to tell you how alone I feel. I'd like to tell you about how I have an ounce of hope left, and its dwindling.
I'd like to tell the world I'm dead inside.
I'm numb. And I've stopped caring.
I'd like to explain to you that somehow you make me feel ok and like complete shit all at the same time. And I'd tell you that ill take that any day, because its the only thing that makes me feel alive.
The train still hasn't arrived. I hate crying in public. It shows my vulnerability. And my sadness.
Where is my strength?
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Friday, November 27, 2009
Overcome
I feel as though I have so many things to figure out. I'm not sure if I have ever felt any more lost than how I feel now. But on the other hand, I have never felt this determined to succeed.
Sitting there at Lucky Jacks with him, I realized this isn't any longer about him. He had become my scapegoat for all of my internal problems. My friends, who mostly are unaware of my own issues, have helped perpetuate the blame onto Alex.
Not having Alex has hurt so much because I really latched onto him. The older I get, the scarier it is for me to be so mentally unstable. I've reached the end of my rope. I'm in a do or die frame of mind. I can't keep pushing off my growth and continue to fall backward.
I don't want to die. I don't want to live and feel as if I'm dead. I want to feel vibrant and alive all the time, not just in front of people. Mostly I want to feel important and feel loved; by myself.
It sounds so silly. Love yourself. I can't tell you the last time I really had that feeling that I loved myself. And there really hasn't been any reason. I have found so many substitutes that have worked out well. Alcohol, food,sex,work... And the list could go on. All of that has caught up with me and now I sit here a frightened 23 year old who has no idea what his place in the world is. I am trapped in my own misery and sadness that has been piling up since I was 15.
And then the word normal comes to mind. God, how I wish I could epitomize that word. Normalcy. Stability. Moderation. Just typing those words is so calming.
I'm setting out on a journey. One that will not be disrupted by my surroundings. It won't be halted by friends or boys or any other nonsense. Because if I don't take this journey now, I'm not too sure when I will have the energy to make the trek.
I'm in a place of sheer desperation. And there's no better time to grow than the present.
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Sitting there at Lucky Jacks with him, I realized this isn't any longer about him. He had become my scapegoat for all of my internal problems. My friends, who mostly are unaware of my own issues, have helped perpetuate the blame onto Alex.
Not having Alex has hurt so much because I really latched onto him. The older I get, the scarier it is for me to be so mentally unstable. I've reached the end of my rope. I'm in a do or die frame of mind. I can't keep pushing off my growth and continue to fall backward.
I don't want to die. I don't want to live and feel as if I'm dead. I want to feel vibrant and alive all the time, not just in front of people. Mostly I want to feel important and feel loved; by myself.
It sounds so silly. Love yourself. I can't tell you the last time I really had that feeling that I loved myself. And there really hasn't been any reason. I have found so many substitutes that have worked out well. Alcohol, food,sex,work... And the list could go on. All of that has caught up with me and now I sit here a frightened 23 year old who has no idea what his place in the world is. I am trapped in my own misery and sadness that has been piling up since I was 15.
And then the word normal comes to mind. God, how I wish I could epitomize that word. Normalcy. Stability. Moderation. Just typing those words is so calming.
I'm setting out on a journey. One that will not be disrupted by my surroundings. It won't be halted by friends or boys or any other nonsense. Because if I don't take this journey now, I'm not too sure when I will have the energy to make the trek.
I'm in a place of sheer desperation. And there's no better time to grow than the present.
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Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Epic
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-----Original Message-----
From: jimmymsmith@gmail.com
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:48:28
To: Alexander Mercado<alexandermercado1@gmail.com>
Shocked. I'm in shock. Broken. Defeated.
"I'm not in love with you anymore"
He was crying. He never cries. I couldn't muster up any reaction. No reaction but shock.
Up until three, sobbing. Entirely broken. Because I did it again. I put all of my trust in someone again. I fell in love again.
And I got comfortable again. And I got needy again. And clingy again. I thought it was forever again. And I went crazy again. And pushed him away again.
I felt whole again. I had a rock. I could lean on him. And now its vanished.
I'm coming back to a New York that will be a little more lonely than I left it. There won't be anymore nights watching all the shows we tivoed and eating chinese takeout. He won't be waiting outside my job when I get off anymore. I won't get to hear his mysterious voice whisper in my ear "I love you more". I won't get to wrap my arms around him while we sleep in the tiniest room in all of New York. We can't plan that romantic trip to Paris or look at apartments to move into.
We won't be able to get into a big fight, and moments later feel like we're falling in love all over again.
Now it will just be me. I'll be watching television eating chinese. Ill leave work and take the F train home. I'll sleep in the tiniest room in all of New York. Ill do it all alone. And I'll have to work on getting this huge knot out of my stomach. Alone.
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-----Original Message-----
From: jimmymsmith@gmail.com
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:48:28
To: Alexander Mercado<alexandermercado1@gmail.com>
Shocked. I'm in shock. Broken. Defeated.
"I'm not in love with you anymore"
He was crying. He never cries. I couldn't muster up any reaction. No reaction but shock.
Up until three, sobbing. Entirely broken. Because I did it again. I put all of my trust in someone again. I fell in love again.
And I got comfortable again. And I got needy again. And clingy again. I thought it was forever again. And I went crazy again. And pushed him away again.
I felt whole again. I had a rock. I could lean on him. And now its vanished.
I'm coming back to a New York that will be a little more lonely than I left it. There won't be anymore nights watching all the shows we tivoed and eating chinese takeout. He won't be waiting outside my job when I get off anymore. I won't get to hear his mysterious voice whisper in my ear "I love you more". I won't get to wrap my arms around him while we sleep in the tiniest room in all of New York. We can't plan that romantic trip to Paris or look at apartments to move into.
We won't be able to get into a big fight, and moments later feel like we're falling in love all over again.
Now it will just be me. I'll be watching television eating chinese. Ill leave work and take the F train home. I'll sleep in the tiniest room in all of New York. Ill do it all alone. And I'll have to work on getting this huge knot out of my stomach. Alone.
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Friday, September 4, 2009
Rock Rock Rockaway
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Saturday, August 29, 2009
Over the past week, I feel that my brain has been overstimulated. I'm overwhelmed. I miss my boyfriend, a lot. And I'm anxious right now. I want to see him. And I want to apologize to him. My phone has been dead since 7 pm. Its now midnight.
I will repeat: I want to speak with my boyfriend.
I'm not calm. Not calm at all. Why won't this train come? He feels like I've been too busy for him. I'm pacing. I don't want to be alone. You hear that: I don't want to be alone. I need to see him. Maybe in the morning. Ok, here comes the train. Good. I can breathe. I want to hear him breathe.
I need to be calm. How. My brain is jumbled with thoughts. Money, death, drugs, love, respect, agony.
Where are you alex? I hope this train runs express.
I feel very raw. Its such a strong feeling.
I need to be still. I've just been on and on and on. My fingernails are filthy.
Thank god this train is running express. I wonder if it will time perfectly where I can catch the bus. If not, I'll walk home
President
Garfield
Bergen
Carroll
1st
2nd
3rd
4th
5th
6th
7th
8th
9th
10th
11th
12th and ill be home.
Again, I hope the bus comes. I need to plug my phone in and let it charge. I need to speak with you. Because I love you immensely and I don't think you know that.
I don't think you know that I cringe at the idea of you ever being harmed physically.
I don't think you know that I would do anything to make sure you never felt unimportant.
I don't think you know how awful I feel for telling you to shut the fuck up.
I don't think you know that I miss you so much. I miss our time. We haven't had a lot of it lately. And I know the whole point of it all was for us to begin to miss each other again. Well, it worked. I miss you right now. More than my mind is able to cope with.
My mind is such a clusterfuck. I have the feeling when your eyes well up with tears on the inside.
I'm scared out of my fucking mind. I don't think you know that either.
9 more stops. You hate when I count stops. It keeps me sane. Needless to say, its not working well now.
When I was younger, my life dream was to be rich and famous. I'm much better off now.
Moderation.
8 more stops.
I hope you're still awake when I get home. This traincar is filled with couples. Perfect.
When I get home, ill have to hurry and shut the window. Because you're not there.
Arriving into brooklyn.
Walking home. I want to get you before you go home, so you can come here. Wish me luck.
A group of bats just flew past me.
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Over the past week, I feel that my brain has been overstimulated. I'm overwhelmed. I miss my boyfriend, a lot. And I'm anxious right now. I want to see him. And I want to apologize to him. My phone has been dead since 7 pm. Its now midnight.
I will repeat: I want to speak with my boyfriend.
I'm not calm. Not calm at all. Why won't this train come? He feels like I've been too busy for him. I'm pacing. I don't want to be alone. You hear that: I don't want to be alone. I need to see him. Maybe in the morning. Ok, here comes the train. Good. I can breathe. I want to hear him breathe.
I need to be calm. How. My brain is jumbled with thoughts. Money, death, drugs, love, respect, agony.
Where are you alex? I hope this train runs express.
I feel very raw. Its such a strong feeling.
I need to be still. I've just been on and on and on. My fingernails are filthy.
Thank god this train is running express. I wonder if it will time perfectly where I can catch the bus. If not, I'll walk home
President
Garfield
Bergen
Carroll
1st
2nd
3rd
4th
5th
6th
7th
8th
9th
10th
11th
12th and ill be home.
Again, I hope the bus comes. I need to plug my phone in and let it charge. I need to speak with you. Because I love you immensely and I don't think you know that.
I don't think you know that I cringe at the idea of you ever being harmed physically.
I don't think you know that I would do anything to make sure you never felt unimportant.
I don't think you know how awful I feel for telling you to shut the fuck up.
I don't think you know that I miss you so much. I miss our time. We haven't had a lot of it lately. And I know the whole point of it all was for us to begin to miss each other again. Well, it worked. I miss you right now. More than my mind is able to cope with.
My mind is such a clusterfuck. I have the feeling when your eyes well up with tears on the inside.
I'm scared out of my fucking mind. I don't think you know that either.
9 more stops. You hate when I count stops. It keeps me sane. Needless to say, its not working well now.
When I was younger, my life dream was to be rich and famous. I'm much better off now.
Moderation.
8 more stops.
I hope you're still awake when I get home. This traincar is filled with couples. Perfect.
When I get home, ill have to hurry and shut the window. Because you're not there.
Arriving into brooklyn.
Walking home. I want to get you before you go home, so you can come here. Wish me luck.
A group of bats just flew past me.
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Tuesday, August 18, 2009
...
Right now I feel very out of control. I can't seem to control my feelings and actions. I'm not sure what's happening or how I'm supposed to react. But I have to react, because I'm driving alex away.
I have control issues I feel the need to always feel in control. This transcends from work into my personal life. And this is where the problem lies. I can't let go of the idea that I need to know everything. I believe this is the reason why my other few relationships have crumbled. I refuse to let this one crumble.
I have to gain a tight hold on my feelings and my actions and most importantly- my imagination.
I have to be ok with this. I have to be ok with us not spending every moment together. And I have to learn to trust him. Trust is the basis of any relationship, and right now I have broken that foundation bc I thought I couldn't trust him.
I'm angry because finally he's happy and I'm not. I need to be happy that he is happy. I need to realize I can't always be with him. I need to grow up.
I've never claimed to be the most mature person when it comes to relationships but right now I am acting like a child.
I admit. I fucked up. And I keep fucking up. And I said I wanted a break; I don't want a break. I want us to feel like we used to feel.
I'm admitting, now, to the world that I have lost my mind and have been acting irrationally for a while now towards alex. And its going to stop. Now.
I am too in love with him to allow myself to drive us apart.
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I have control issues I feel the need to always feel in control. This transcends from work into my personal life. And this is where the problem lies. I can't let go of the idea that I need to know everything. I believe this is the reason why my other few relationships have crumbled. I refuse to let this one crumble.
I have to gain a tight hold on my feelings and my actions and most importantly- my imagination.
I have to be ok with this. I have to be ok with us not spending every moment together. And I have to learn to trust him. Trust is the basis of any relationship, and right now I have broken that foundation bc I thought I couldn't trust him.
I'm angry because finally he's happy and I'm not. I need to be happy that he is happy. I need to realize I can't always be with him. I need to grow up.
I've never claimed to be the most mature person when it comes to relationships but right now I am acting like a child.
I admit. I fucked up. And I keep fucking up. And I said I wanted a break; I don't want a break. I want us to feel like we used to feel.
I'm admitting, now, to the world that I have lost my mind and have been acting irrationally for a while now towards alex. And its going to stop. Now.
I am too in love with him to allow myself to drive us apart.
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Friday, July 24, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
The Trip begins
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Monday, July 13, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
June Gloom
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Renewal
Forgiveness is a very tricky thing. Its a virtue that I've always told to follow. People make mistakes; no one is perfect, yada yada.
I remember forgiveness always playing a big part in the sermons at church. Yes, church. There a middle school/high school phase where it encompassed a majority of my time. People were always talking abou forgiveness. "Jesus forgave us, so we can forgive others" played like a broken record. That's such an easy to hum, but I'd always wondered if any of these people followed it.
One sermon at church about forgiveness entitled "Forgive, but Not Forget" always stuck out to me. To me, that felt only going half way. And by remembering, could you really ever forgive someone?
All of these thoughts became pivotal to my life recently. and I had a million things to contemplate. Words like "forgive" , "forget", "doormat" and the like have been running through my head. I wasn't sure what to do? I could give up and just walk away, but what does that prove? I could stay and make things feel like normal again, but what about myself?
And then it hit me. Today. How could I ever walk away from someone I love? And how could I spend each day being miserable and rehashing everything over and over?
And then a principle I learned long ago resurfaced. I had to stop reacting. I had to let go. And I had to open myself up to let good energy come back into my life and my relationship.
I'm open, and I'm game. And I'm working on it. A good friend gave me advice that its always good to check up on your relationship. At first, I thought it sounded a little childish, but its so important.
I feel like I'm now running blindly, but the key is that I've got someone else running blind right beside me. And when we get derailed because a path change, or a bunch of sticks, we'll fall together.
I'm committing to making our relationship more carefree. There is no time in life for dramatics. Only happiness.
Day one.
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I remember forgiveness always playing a big part in the sermons at church. Yes, church. There a middle school/high school phase where it encompassed a majority of my time. People were always talking abou forgiveness. "Jesus forgave us, so we can forgive others" played like a broken record. That's such an easy to hum, but I'd always wondered if any of these people followed it.
One sermon at church about forgiveness entitled "Forgive, but Not Forget" always stuck out to me. To me, that felt only going half way. And by remembering, could you really ever forgive someone?
All of these thoughts became pivotal to my life recently. and I had a million things to contemplate. Words like "forgive" , "forget", "doormat" and the like have been running through my head. I wasn't sure what to do? I could give up and just walk away, but what does that prove? I could stay and make things feel like normal again, but what about myself?
And then it hit me. Today. How could I ever walk away from someone I love? And how could I spend each day being miserable and rehashing everything over and over?
And then a principle I learned long ago resurfaced. I had to stop reacting. I had to let go. And I had to open myself up to let good energy come back into my life and my relationship.
I'm open, and I'm game. And I'm working on it. A good friend gave me advice that its always good to check up on your relationship. At first, I thought it sounded a little childish, but its so important.
I feel like I'm now running blindly, but the key is that I've got someone else running blind right beside me. And when we get derailed because a path change, or a bunch of sticks, we'll fall together.
I'm committing to making our relationship more carefree. There is no time in life for dramatics. Only happiness.
Day one.
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
The cutest boy in the world
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Greivances
Its a rollercoaster. And I get that any relationship is bound to feel like one. But this really is a lot of ups and downs.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Stay Strong, Go Far
What a whirlwind the past ten days have been. This may have been the best vacation to date. The weather was amazing and I had such a good time with friends and family.
I feel like a whole new New York is awaiting my return, as well as a very special guy.
Sending my best from Kansas City International Airport,
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Multimedia message
In the last few months, you have complete flipped my life around. I had really begun to be complacent with being on my own. And all of a sudden, I was thrown for a loop. And now my life has started to be redefined as we grow.
Three months going on ten years.
Westport Historic District
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Airport
The craziest thing just happened as I was going through flight check in. A girl wasted off her ass comes up and hugs me and says we went to high school together.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
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