Sometimes I wonder what it is that's keeping me alive. What's that one factor that makes ending it all seem so unrealistic.

For you I'd wait til kingdom come.

I'm hopeless. Waiting for the F train at 1 in the morning. Tired. Alone. Hopeless. Broken. I wonder how much better I'd feel if I had a drink. Not that I'd feel better really, but rather that I'd feel nothing. I'd feel none of this. Lately I've come to prefer that.

If people only knew how close I am to letting go, I think they'd be more alarmed. Its my smile. My defense mechanism. It disguises it. Makes everyone think I'm ok.

I'm not ok. Losing faith.

I have become too manic for my own good. Once I leave work, it becomes near impossible to control.

Losing strength.

I want to cry out. Trust me. It would make all of this so much easier. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I can't handle rejection, and I feel like people wouldn't react the way I need them to.

I'd like to call you and tell you how much I need you. And I'd like to tell you how this void you left me with is eating away at me and I can't even think clearly a lot of the time. I'm becoming anti social and my self worth is very low. I'd like to tell you that I don't want to date you, I just want to talk to you. I'd like for you to hear me out. I'd like to tell you how alone I feel. I'd like to tell you about how I have an ounce of hope left, and its dwindling.

I'd like to tell the world I'm dead inside.

I'm numb. And I've stopped caring.

I'd like to explain to you that somehow you make me feel ok and like complete shit all at the same time. And I'd tell you that ill take that any day, because its the only thing that makes me feel alive.

The train still hasn't arrived. I hate crying in public. It shows my vulnerability. And my sadness.

Where is my strength?
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