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Right now I feel very out of control. I can't seem to control my feelings and actions. I'm not sure what's happening or how I'm supposed to react. But I have to react, because I'm driving alex away.

I have control issues I feel the need to always feel in control. This transcends from work into my personal life. And this is where the problem lies. I can't let go of the idea that I need to know everything. I believe this is the reason why my other few relationships have crumbled. I refuse to let this one crumble.

I have to gain a tight hold on my feelings and my actions and most importantly- my imagination.

I have to be ok with this. I have to be ok with us not spending every moment together. And I have to learn to trust him. Trust is the basis of any relationship, and right now I have broken that foundation bc I thought I couldn't trust him.

I'm angry because finally he's happy and I'm not. I need to be happy that he is happy. I need to realize I can't always be with him. I need to grow up.

I've never claimed to be the most mature person when it comes to relationships but right now I am acting like a child.

I admit. I fucked up. And I keep fucking up. And I said I wanted a break; I don't want a break. I want us to feel like we used to feel.

I'm admitting, now, to the world that I have lost my mind and have been acting irrationally for a while now towards alex. And its going to stop. Now.

I am too in love with him to allow myself to drive us apart.
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