Sometimes I wonder what it is that's keeping me alive. What's that one factor that makes ending it all seem so unrealistic.

For you I'd wait til kingdom come.

I'm hopeless. Waiting for the F train at 1 in the morning. Tired. Alone. Hopeless. Broken. I wonder how much better I'd feel if I had a drink. Not that I'd feel better really, but rather that I'd feel nothing. I'd feel none of this. Lately I've come to prefer that.

If people only knew how close I am to letting go, I think they'd be more alarmed. Its my smile. My defense mechanism. It disguises it. Makes everyone think I'm ok.

I'm not ok. Losing faith.

I have become too manic for my own good. Once I leave work, it becomes near impossible to control.

Losing strength.

I want to cry out. Trust me. It would make all of this so much easier. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I can't handle rejection, and I feel like people wouldn't react the way I need them to.

I'd like to call you and tell you how much I need you. And I'd like to tell you how this void you left me with is eating away at me and I can't even think clearly a lot of the time. I'm becoming anti social and my self worth is very low. I'd like to tell you that I don't want to date you, I just want to talk to you. I'd like for you to hear me out. I'd like to tell you how alone I feel. I'd like to tell you about how I have an ounce of hope left, and its dwindling.

I'd like to tell the world I'm dead inside.

I'm numb. And I've stopped caring.

I'd like to explain to you that somehow you make me feel ok and like complete shit all at the same time. And I'd tell you that ill take that any day, because its the only thing that makes me feel alive.

The train still hasn't arrived. I hate crying in public. It shows my vulnerability. And my sadness.

Where is my strength?
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Overcome

I feel as though I have so many things to figure out. I'm not sure if I have ever felt any more lost than how I feel now. But on the other hand, I have never felt this determined to succeed.

Sitting there at Lucky Jacks with him, I realized this isn't any longer about him. He had become my scapegoat for all of my internal problems. My friends, who mostly are unaware of my own issues, have helped perpetuate the blame onto Alex.

Not having Alex has hurt so much because I really latched onto him. The older I get, the scarier it is for me to be so mentally unstable. I've reached the end of my rope. I'm in a do or die frame of mind. I can't keep pushing off my growth and continue to fall backward.

I don't want to die. I don't want to live and feel as if I'm dead. I want to feel vibrant and alive all the time, not just in front of people. Mostly I want to feel important and feel loved; by myself.

It sounds so silly. Love yourself. I can't tell you the last time I really had that feeling that I loved myself. And there really hasn't been any reason. I have found so many substitutes that have worked out well. Alcohol, food,sex,work... And the list could go on. All of that has caught up with me and now I sit here a frightened 23 year old who has no idea what his place in the world is. I am trapped in my own misery and sadness that has been piling up since I was 15.

And then the word normal comes to mind. God, how I wish I could epitomize that word. Normalcy. Stability. Moderation. Just typing those words is so calming.

I'm setting out on a journey. One that will not be disrupted by my surroundings. It won't be halted by friends or boys or any other nonsense. Because if I don't take this journey now, I'm not too sure when I will have the energy to make the trek.

I'm in a place of sheer desperation. And there's no better time to grow than the present.



Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

First love yourself, then you can love someone else.