Over the past week, I feel that my brain has been overstimulated. I'm overwhelmed. I miss my boyfriend, a lot. And I'm anxious right now. I want to see him. And I want to apologize to him. My phone has been dead since 7 pm. Its now midnight.

I will repeat: I want to speak with my boyfriend.

I'm not calm. Not calm at all. Why won't this train come? He feels like I've been too busy for him. I'm pacing. I don't want to be alone. You hear that: I don't want to be alone. I need to see him. Maybe in the morning. Ok, here comes the train. Good. I can breathe. I want to hear him breathe.

I need to be calm. How. My brain is jumbled with thoughts. Money, death, drugs, love, respect, agony.

Where are you alex? I hope this train runs express.

I feel very raw. Its such a strong feeling.

I need to be still. I've just been on and on and on. My fingernails are filthy.

Thank god this train is running express. I wonder if it will time perfectly where I can catch the bus. If not, I'll walk home

President
Garfield
Bergen
Carroll
1st
2nd
3rd
4th
5th
6th
7th
8th
9th
10th
11th
12th and ill be home.

Again, I hope the bus comes. I need to plug my phone in and let it charge. I need to speak with you. Because I love you immensely and I don't think you know that.

I don't think you know that I cringe at the idea of you ever being harmed physically.

I don't think you know that I would do anything to make sure you never felt unimportant.

I don't think you know how awful I feel for telling you to shut the fuck up.

I don't think you know that I miss you so much. I miss our time. We haven't had a lot of it lately. And I know the whole point of it all was for us to begin to miss each other again. Well, it worked. I miss you right now. More than my mind is able to cope with.

My mind is such a clusterfuck. I have the feeling when your eyes well up with tears on the inside.

I'm scared out of my fucking mind. I don't think you know that either.

9 more stops. You hate when I count stops. It keeps me sane. Needless to say, its not working well now.

When I was younger, my life dream was to be rich and famous. I'm much better off now.
Moderation.

8 more stops.

I hope you're still awake when I get home. This traincar is filled with couples. Perfect.

When I get home, ill have to hurry and shut the window. Because you're not there.

Arriving into brooklyn.

Walking home. I want to get you before you go home, so you can come here. Wish me luck.

A group of bats just flew past me.
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Over the past week, I feel that my brain has been overstimulated. I'm overwhelmed. I miss my boyfriend, a lot. And I'm anxious right now. I want to see him. And I want to apologize to him. My phone has been dead since 7 pm. Its now midnight.

I will repeat: I want to speak with my boyfriend.

I'm not calm. Not calm at all. Why won't this train come? He feels like I've been too busy for him. I'm pacing. I don't want to be alone. You hear that: I don't want to be alone. I need to see him. Maybe in the morning. Ok, here comes the train. Good. I can breathe. I want to hear him breathe.

I need to be calm. How. My brain is jumbled with thoughts. Money, death, drugs, love, respect, agony.

Where are you alex? I hope this train runs express.

I feel very raw. Its such a strong feeling.

I need to be still. I've just been on and on and on. My fingernails are filthy.

Thank god this train is running express. I wonder if it will time perfectly where I can catch the bus. If not, I'll walk home

President
Garfield
Bergen
Carroll
1st
2nd
3rd
4th
5th
6th
7th
8th
9th
10th
11th
12th and ill be home.

Again, I hope the bus comes. I need to plug my phone in and let it charge. I need to speak with you. Because I love you immensely and I don't think you know that.

I don't think you know that I cringe at the idea of you ever being harmed physically.

I don't think you know that I would do anything to make sure you never felt unimportant.

I don't think you know how awful I feel for telling you to shut the fuck up.

I don't think you know that I miss you so much. I miss our time. We haven't had a lot of it lately. And I know the whole point of it all was for us to begin to miss each other again. Well, it worked. I miss you right now. More than my mind is able to cope with.

My mind is such a clusterfuck. I have the feeling when your eyes well up with tears on the inside.

I'm scared out of my fucking mind. I don't think you know that either.

9 more stops. You hate when I count stops. It keeps me sane. Needless to say, its not working well now.

When I was younger, my life dream was to be rich and famous. I'm much better off now.
Moderation.

8 more stops.

I hope you're still awake when I get home. This traincar is filled with couples. Perfect.

When I get home, ill have to hurry and shut the window. Because you're not there.

Arriving into brooklyn.

Walking home. I want to get you before you go home, so you can come here. Wish me luck.

A group of bats just flew past me.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

...

Right now I feel very out of control. I can't seem to control my feelings and actions. I'm not sure what's happening or how I'm supposed to react. But I have to react, because I'm driving alex away.

I have control issues I feel the need to always feel in control. This transcends from work into my personal life. And this is where the problem lies. I can't let go of the idea that I need to know everything. I believe this is the reason why my other few relationships have crumbled. I refuse to let this one crumble.

I have to gain a tight hold on my feelings and my actions and most importantly- my imagination.

I have to be ok with this. I have to be ok with us not spending every moment together. And I have to learn to trust him. Trust is the basis of any relationship, and right now I have broken that foundation bc I thought I couldn't trust him.

I'm angry because finally he's happy and I'm not. I need to be happy that he is happy. I need to realize I can't always be with him. I need to grow up.

I've never claimed to be the most mature person when it comes to relationships but right now I am acting like a child.

I admit. I fucked up. And I keep fucking up. And I said I wanted a break; I don't want a break. I want us to feel like we used to feel.

I'm admitting, now, to the world that I have lost my mind and have been acting irrationally for a while now towards alex. And its going to stop. Now.

I am too in love with him to allow myself to drive us apart.
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